Monday, 25 July 2011

The School Show part 2

1 hour until the curtain rises
Exitey is bouncing up and down in the 'dressing room' he has been kicked out of the dwafs gang for not being 'cool enough' since then he has knocked over three tables and six chairs, the teachers start to wish he was back in the gang. Snow white is having a case of last minute nerves and has had to be taken for some fresh air, this caused an argument between the teachers about which one would go with her, hence leaving the chaos riden dressing room. The front end of the horse's mother rang in earlier saying that he has the flu, so now prince charming has to double up as a horse, he is not best pleased, neither is the back end of the horse, who is twenty cm taller than the prince and now has to bend down throughout the whole performance to avoid snow white looking like she's on a deformed camel.

10 minutes until the curtain rises
Whilst snow white was having some fresh air she fell over so now her 'white as snow' skin was covered in nasty red cuts and smeared with blood, unfortunately, the narrator threatened to quit if the script was changed again so she had to borrow price charming's white tights, neither are happy about the arrangement. The dwafs Happy and Sneezy were sent out to greet the audience and then soon were told to retreat, as Happy had been showing off his colorful language and yet again, sneezy had been taking his role rather literally.

Act one
Snow white opens the show with her solo love song, but forgets the words halfway through so decides to switch to Boom Boom Pow, this was frowned upon by most of the audience apart from her dad, who decided to rap along, he then had to stop as he was spilling his can of beer.The performance ran smoothly for a while until snow white got to her horse. The back end suddenly was desperate for the toilet, and simply couldn't wait. A large puddle appeared onto the stage, most of the parents started to tut and frown apart from snow whites dad, who had perhaps had one to many cans of beer, he stood up and shouted 'Well that’s what horses do ain't it?'. He was then removed from the performance whilst the puddle was mopped up because it was obvious clumsy was going to slip in it.

The interval
Grumpy was sent around selling ice creams, sneezy had volunteered for the job, but for obvious reasons he wasn't aloud. Snow white had her bandages changed by brokey, who considered herself an expert in the field, clumsy challenged this and a fight broke out. They then had a race to see who could put a plaster on themselves the fastest, the teacher was about to stop them but she didn't have the energy, so she went to wake sleepy up who was exhausted after all the yawning he had been doing.

Act 2
The second half started smoothly, until snow white refused to eat the 'Poisoned Apple' because she didn't like fruit, this resulted in the wicked witch ramming it into her throat. Unfortunately, snow white choked on the apple and was rushed of stage, after slamming her on the back a couple of times the teacher called an ambulance and snow white was taken to A&E. But, the show must go on, so after some improvisation the play resulted in Prince Charming marrying the Wicked Witch and all the dwafs were bridesmen. At the end of the evening, the parents took home their 'little darlings' and snow whites father was taken into custody.

The teachers need a stiff gin.

Sunday, 24 July 2011

The School Show part 1

“I need the toilet miss”, every teacher has heard these fatal words during a school show, and every teacher has chosen to ignore these words and suffer the disastrous consequences. School shows are a bit of a disaster all round really aren’t they? A normal school show usually goes a bit like this:
3 weeks before opening night
Teachers start to put together a script for the performance, and let’s face it, the play is normally chosen because it has enough parts, not because it is any good. Otherwise teachers have an awful habit off adding parts in, Cinderella can have up to five ugly sisters and red riding hood can have have plenty of multi coloured sisters. Snow white is quite popular amongst teachers because plenty of parts can be invented and they still have the script from last year.

2 weeks before opening night
Rehearsals for the big performance have begun, as per usual the teachers haven’t left nearly as much time as they needed to practice, so as a result large chunks are removed from the play. In this particular production, snow white has 12 vertically challenged friends, new recruits include, thirsty, exitey and brokey (conviently played by a little girl with a broken leg). The children are already arguing about which parts they have been given, a boy is throwing a strop because he has been cast as grumpy, and the wicked witch is now staying in at break, for cursing at the teachers. Of course, the super enthusiastic headteacher simply puts this down to ‘getting into character’ the teachers aren’t to sure, especially when happy started using some rather colourful language. The script has had to be changed to ‘Hair as yellow as sand’ because the only girl in the class with black hair has gone on holiday.

1 week before opening night
The teachers have issued a letter explaining what the children will need to wear for the performance. Only two hours after the letter was sent out, a teacher has received an angry email from a parent saying she cannot possibly find a plain white t-shirt for her son to wear with only a weeks notice. The teacher emailed politely back, reminding the parent that the school p:e t-shirts were plain white, which is precisely why the children had been asked to wear one. The teacher has learned to keep costumes simply ever since Juliet broke her arm in her high heels a few years ago.

5 Days before opening night
With only ‘four more sleeps’ until the big performance the rehersals are getting pretty intense. The scenery is currently being painted by the students who have not got a big part in the play, this was a mistake because the boy who was painting the forest was colour blind so now snow white travels through a forest of pink trees and orange grass, not to mention the black sunlight shining upon her. The back end of snow whites horse has caught the flu so the colour blind boy has been promoted, before he paints anything else.

1 day before opening night
Tragically snow white has caught the back end of the horse’s flu and the only girl willing to step up to the role is ginger. So, yet again the script has to be changed, this time to “Hair as orange as an orange” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it does it? This change has caused great annoyance from the narrator, who spend “all of estenders” learning his lines. Fortunately for the teacher, he is to young to understand sarcasm. During the dress rehersal sleepy announced he had forgotten his dressing gown. The teacher said to him “You can’t just announce things like that! What would you do if this happened in the real thing?” The boy replied “Sorry miss, I would project my voice more” The teacher opens her mouth to tell him off, then gives up and goes to refresh sneezys tissues, who has been taking his role rather literally.

5 hours before opening night
Unfortunately, the new snow white is about a stone heavier than her predecessor so her costume has to be drastically changed, lets just say the safety pin business has nothing to worry about. The microphones have arrived and the main characters are 'miced up' the prince charming decided to test his by saying all the rude words he can, the teacher threatened to take his part away, but then had to revoke this threat as she realised that no one else knew his lines, or would fit into his costume. The twelve dwarfs have formed a gang and have started terrorising the 'dressing rooms' (two classrooms), unfortunately clumsy has to leave the gang as his hat kept falling off.

Keep reading to find out what happens when the curtain rises...

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Trains

Going on a train can be a very stressful experience, let's start at the beginning, and buying your ticket. You can go on a website to book your ticket, I find this option easier because I can not, for the life of me, understand what people at the station are on about when they talk about changes and platforms etc. Anyway, so imagine your on the website, you have to put in where you departing from and where you want to go to, this sounds easier, but believe me, it isn't. Say I wanted to go to London, I can't just say 'London' I have to put in the exact train station I want to go to, this is very confusing, all cities should just have one train station. Usually, I just pick the one with the best name.


Once you have eventually bought your ticket and performed a miracle of getting your printer to print it then you are all set to go. In theory. Once you have got to your departing station you have to find out which platform your train leaves from, so you have to squint at the minuscule print of the timetable and try and work out which train is yours. On finding out which platform you are, you then have to find the platform, often, you are standing on one platform and you can see the other on the other side of the tracks, but you cant get to it. So you have to ask the gaud, who speaks in absolute gobldygloob so you may as well have not bothered. And often, I don't.


Finally, you are on the train, and, personally, I get very worried about weather I should leave my personal belongings behind or weather I should report suspicious behaviour, I wish there was an announcement that could help everyone. There is also always one person who has to have that extra loud conversation on the train, just to annoy everyone I'm sure, or maybe, the train companies employ them to try and get people off the trains quicker, now there’s a thought....


The journey home is normally quite straight forward, once you have got on the correct train, at the correct time. I always find it really annoying how trains are always at times like 19:51 or 13:16 why can't they be on normal times? Anyway, half the time the trains aren't on time, because of repairs or staff shortages, how can that be? What little boy doesn't want to be a train driver?


So that's by rant on trains and remember, please don't leave any personal belongings behind and have a safe journey onwards.


...After writing that I realised just how patronising it sounds...

Monday, 18 July 2011

Maths

You might have remembered, I mentioned before that I hate maths. That is an understatement. I can not stand maths at all and if it was a person then I would have shot it, a long long time ago. Now, I’m not someone who goes around hating just for the sake of it, so, here is why I hate maths....

Firstly, I do not see the point of it all! I can't see when I’m ever going to need to use a Histogram or a cumulative frequency graph (don't ask). Personally, I don't see why I have to study something that I’m never going to use, surely I would be better learning about how to get a job, or how to buy a house, even how to capture an enemy aircraft would be more useful than maths.

Secondly, I can't do it. I was ok when it was just adding and subtracting, but as soon as you get to high school BANG! Now its all formulas and frequency. I'm ashamed to say it but I now miss doing times tables.

Thirdly, I dislike maths teachers. It seems to me that people who are good at maths can't teach it that well because they can't understand why people can't do it. They also talk about things way to fast and in a foreign language. I just want to say "In English please?"

Fourthly, maths has stolen letters off English. In my opinion, numbers are for maths and letters are for English they shouldn't mix. Letters in maths are also very confusing because the teaches says "X is unknown" and I think "It's not unknown, you have just said, it's X" And, maths people have a terrible habit of mixing the letters together so you end up with XY and ZQ, this doubles my confusion.

Fifthly... No, I’m sure your fed up of hearing me rant by now, I bet I’m boring you more than maths bores me...

Wait, let's not go that far.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Me, Myself and I

Hi there! My name is Sarah (aka Sahara) and I am 14 years old (I bet you  didn't see that introduction coming). This is my blog called Teenage Daze (not that you didn't already know that, you clicked on it), I’m going to be writing about my observations of everyday life and I am going to try and make them rather funny.

A bit about me...
I live in a very unexciting place (Earth) with my Mum, Dad and little brother, I am sure they will feature quite regularly in this blog. My dog Eddie also lives with us, or should I say, we live with Eddie, he practically runs the place! I have been doing ballet since I was three and please don't say ballet is just for girls or you will have an argument with me and you will loose. I play the saxophone (a very cool instrument) and I play in the local orchestra (that’s not as sad as it sounds, promise.) You should also know, that much to my mothers dismay, I am never short of an opinion.

My Writing...

I started writing at home a couple of years ago and I was inspired to write funny (I hope) stuff by Robert Crampton (a columnist for the Times Magazine). I am currently working on a novel called 'The Secret Diary of an Argumentative Teenager' (I’m never sure which words have capital letters in that title). I also write short stories, for father’s day I wrote one for my dad called 'The undercover life of a middle aged man' and one for my mums birthday called 'Grumpy old woman'.

So that’s the end of my first blog. I will now spend the rest of my evening doing my maths homework (pointless subject) and fishing out my school uniform for tomorrow (I’m sure my tights hide from me deliberately), oh the joys of
being a teenager.