When you enter into a slimming club it’s hard to know where to look first. Do you feast your eyes upon the ‘wonderful’ healthy food they have for sale? At, may I say, extortionate prices. Do you look at the people within this fine establishment? Such as the row of ‘ladies of a certain age’ gossiping about the dashing bloke from coronation street. Or, do you look at the ‘group leaders’? These people tend have a fixed fake smile on their face and get a little too enthusiastic about low fat yogurt. Finally, if you really wanted to, you could look at the rows of empty seats, put out in case people who actually have a social life decide to swing by, this I must add, is highly unlikely.
Once the meeting is underway things don’t improve much. A round of applause is given to Doris who has lost a stone, and now has the pleasure of choosing a sticker to attach to her tight fitted top (‘Ladies of a certain age’ really shouldn’t wear lycra’) And a standing ovation is given to dridre, who has reached her target weight (all I can say is, I wonder what she was like before?!). This ‘sharing of achievements’ session carries on quite smoothly from then on, there was a bit of an awkward silence when Peggy couldn’t pull her ‘I lost weight’ hoddie past her neck, put I have to say, she persevered and (eventually) got it on.
Next up is the ‘activity session’ this week they are ‘exploring ways to stay healthy at BBQs’ (they must really be scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas now). Dridre starts off the discussion by saying she is going to compromise and only have seven sausages next time she has a bbq, this statement is followed by a gasp and a round of applause. Dorris then pipes up that she will "eat what she wants and burn her calorie counter on the bbq if she has to" Dorris is removed from the meeting. The group leader suggests that ‘We all try and balance out our meet with vegetables’ "RABBIT FOOD" shouts Dorris from outside the door, this is followed by another awkward silence. Peggy breaks the silence by suggesting that they all try and have a healthy drink such as water with their bbq, so as to balance out the calories. Her round of applause is interrupted by Dorris, who is now standing on the roof of her car, drinking a can of stella and singing ‘We will rock you’ when she sees everyone is watching her she makes a rather rude gesture, and then continues to break dance to the chorus. An uncomfortable rumble travels around the room and the discussion is abandoned.
The last part of the meeting is slightly predictable. The Group Leaders try and sell everyone ‘slimming club must haves’, these include special scales and a magazine about ‘making the right choices’ the older ladies lap up the products eagerly, I don’t think they understand the word ‘commission’. The group then disperses in an array of fiats and people carries. As for Dorris, she has been caution by the police, and as she puts it, is ‘to cool for slimming school’.